ET

hi there 305am….

i am not asleep yet…am treating the stupid pimpleS that is popping out on my jaw..both left and right… dunno why it seems to be getting worst. just bought my medication….and i just finished applying it and i could feel the prickly effect. somehow its seems to be getting from bad to worse… i wonder why.

anyway… haven been spending time with my beloved buddies…for almost a week now… the last time i saw fen was on thurs or wed…. the last time we spent time together with the whole bunch of us was on tuesday nite. its almost a week now.

saturday nite …i was busy enjoying my life with my car club frens… lancer ex club/malas/lmc…all 3 in one hehe….. did not meet budak kita2 though cos i was super shagged….esp as it was the 1st day of my menses…..

well i did spend time with a fren of mine…whom i lerv to bully alot….or shd i say… i enjoy teasing, making fun and taking advantage of him wakakakak and at times… i recalled how fen would reprimand me…how cruel i was..treating this fren of mine to dat extent.. wakakak

well… i always scold him… or should i say.. he nv fail to provoke and pissed me off with his …..nv give up and forever persistent attitude of trying to so called woo me… frankly deep down in a way… i just couldnt accept the fact that he is befriending me…not cos of sharing the same passion…but simply cos i am a girl…. which is why till today… i nv stop criticising/teasing/insulting him.. but in a joking manner of cos…hahahaha

no matter how i scold him….or bully him… make him my punching bag… day by day his patience starting to leave me bewildered n dumbfounded. i am awed by his tolerance and patience. i kept testing his patience day by day…. but it is almost impossible to make him angry cos he is scared if i am angry hahaha…

but seriously… no matter how bad i sound (deep down i know)…. he willing to do anything for me…..even to the extent of collecting my car keys from my gal fren in tampines and sending it over to bukit batok to hand it to me…..

my mum often scolded me…not to scold my frens…. not to talk big….simply cos one fine day…. who knows… i will be the one who have to swallow back all the words dat i have said. i remembered i made a bet with him saying dat me and him will nv be a couple…. i told my mum abt it… and my mum told me not to be too arrogant abt it. she said to me… “dun be too sure… u will nv know when will the table turn against u…….

and past few days… his patience and tolerance is starting to make me wonder. god i am scared.scared dat i might not be able to hold strong to my serikness.

he is not the kinda of guy whom i will fall in lerv with at first sight. he is not the kinda of guy dat i will have a crush with. he is not the kinda of guy who make my heart skip a beat or send an adrenaline rush all over my body. he is not the kinda of guy who i bother to even look nice just to leave a good impression. simply said… i dun care what kinda of impression i might leave on him…cos i dun give a shit abt what he thinks abt me.

i dun mean to sound so crude or cruel but dats d truth

i dun even like the look of his ride simply cos it has d “mat” look.

reflecting on my past rs…. i recalled how anxious i am to be on my first date…trying so hard to leave a good impression….eye contact, stomach flutter…heart skip a beat…cold sweats….followed by weeks of hogging on the phone…feelings start to develop and…….soon we were in a boy girl rs.

but this time….shd i say i am in lerv… NOPE definitely no. soon?? i do not know. basically….. the fear is still there to be in a rs… to be loving someone. and i have got so used to my singlehood life dat i am reluctant to leave it behind. i enjoyed being single so much dat…. i really dun wanna get committed to anyone………i wanna be single… i am happier this way

but i do not know wat does the future holds for me. at this point of time i have yet to decide. i love my frens so much…. i want them to be a part of me. as a normal human being… i dun deny i wanna be loved and to love….n even if i wanna have a bf.. i want someone who is easy going, flexible, trustworthy, and someone whom can still give me my freedom knowing deep down dat i will nv betray his trust… someone whom i can drag along to meet my beloved frens w/o much whims and woes……someone who just make me shut up w/o making me pissed off…someone whom just hate making me angry….someone who can be patient and understand me…and pamper and love me
for now….. i just let nature takes its own course cos i make a promise to myself not to get committed until the issues of my work is completely resolved. insyaAllah…gd nite peeps

hi peeps 329am…

i had ample of sleep just now. took a nap after swallowing my chlromine pill cos i had runny nose all day long… maybe due the the very cold weather …my nose hurts so much that i worried it might just came off hehehe…

took a nap ard 9pm and was awaken by an sms by fen ard 11 plus. i sms jeffrey and i headed down to clementi to change my pole light. i realised it actually blew off…shd be after i changed my headlight to hid
once done….we convoyed all the way to bukit gombak and sat down for coffee and i was getting sleepy…and so i made my way back home.

hmmmm…. market has yet to recover. so basically i kinda of free. and almost freaking out cos i have 0 income to expect next mth. am waiting anxiously for my MAS rep license to be approved before i can officially be a financial advisor under Promiseland. i am kinda of excited cos i have cases to submit and it just erks me ….and pissed me off having to source out for places for me to pump my cases. 3 of my clients have decided to withdraw, haiz but i choose not to take it too hard cos i belive my rezeki comes from Allah. insyaAllah. i really wish to continue my studies but i am a sole breadwinner in this house. i need an income.

my work shit. supposedly we were informed since the beginning of the yr dat the court hearing is scheduled to be in dec but i have yet to receive any update from the mgmt of my old company. i checked with them on my commission but wat i was told …. most probably end of the mth.

i checked my commission from the other side. i dunno. i sensed dat trust was betrayed somewhere. i guess i just wait for the verdict.

life as usual…at this point of time i strongly believed dat i need my friends more than i need a lover in my life. i lerv my friends sooo much…….. i am thankful dat i have this bunch of frens…whom i can really call true frens. despite the differences in character and mentality, each of us know when to mellow down out ego and when to stand up for our frens when we r in the deepest shit of our life….esp this yr which i believe is my biggest downfall ever.

last sat nite…a fren of mine from KL came down with her family and we went out together.. i brought her to esplanade to c d merlion, clarke quay to see the clubbing life in singapore and last but not least to east coast park mcdonalds and ate breakfast by the beach. as usual it was a nite of fun and laughter. not a single day of our outing goes w/o laughing to our heart’s content ….criticising each other flaws and sense of denial…hahaha

for this week…. like the other normal weeks before…. i have always expect the worst and hoping for the best esp pertaining to my work shit. each time my phone rings… it scares the hell out of me if i receive a weird no. but i know there isnt running away from it. i have to face it by hook or by crook. haiz. deep down i am scared. who isnt if they were in my shoes but i am trying to be strong, to live my life. i believe Allah will protect me, insyaAllah

naturally i am hoping dat i will brace this moment thru.

my birthday is in 2 mths time. i do not know. i have always hated my birthday cos shit happens on my birthday.

be turning 26 in 2009…..

ADP training 9am-5pm from wednesday till friday so i guess no late nites for me after today. i always have trouble waking up in the morning. haha been too pampered after all these years working in this line.

tomorrow… i need to meet up with a co-colleague to settle some outstanding issues. my submission which has long been overdue….. hmm wat else…

oh yah before i forget. my primary objective is to lose 5kg for this next 2 weeks. i been gaining too much weight and i realised how fat i have become. eeewwwwwwww…… and i lost 2.8kg so far. yeaaaahhh!!! target 55kg is just nice for me…
k dat shd be all for now.. gd nite everyone.

hi there…. i dunno suddenly i felt …..very very super duper tired. tired of life.

how i wish i could escape from everything and just start a brand new life elsewhere. how i wish i could just predict the future so dat i can ensure i wont face failures and end up sobbing over it.

i have been staying strong for this past 1 year. Obstacles, setbacks, hurdles, disappointment, failure seems to hit me more often esp lately. 2008 has brought alot of tears to my eyes and inflicted multiple scars to my heart. and despite all that, here i am remaining strong, moving on with life still……not for myself but rather for my mum. i am her pillar of support and strength. she is my responsibility. i have a duty to fulfil as the eldest daughter/child in the family.

but today exceptionally i feel very exhausted. when can i just be a weakling? how do i stay strong every single day of my life in this year of 2008. but i always tell myself… Allah loves me… dats why he put me thru test after test. i remembered wan ever told me, if Allah dun lerv me….. he will let me be drown in the world of vices/sin/immorality….

eg… i nv strike when i buy 4d.. simple becos… Allah dun want me to win and who knows i might become an impulsive gambler.

2009 gonna be here soon and i will be turning 26 in 2 mths time. i recalled when i was a teenager, i have vision to get married when i am 25 and i believe dat it was just a time plan which will nv happen now. i am not even eager at the idea of getting married and settling down. i guess the pain is still there. too painful to even let it go and move on…..shd i say…. too painful to even be forgotten and lead life brand new…with someone new.

my countless failure in my rs…. i reflected back on myself where have i gone wrong? am i such a failure in character dat i can nv make a good gf at all? seeing all my friends happily leading life in their blissful marriage just amazes me. isnt it nice… to be back home, and u know ur family is there to keep u company during the weekend? i think that statement itself further substantiate to the existence of d emptiness inside me. everyday i came back to an empty house. my mum sleeping while my dad and my sis are slogging themselves hard outside just to earn a decent income.

i may have all the money in the world and i am definitely thankful but money can nv buy me happiness. i dun need a lerv of a man but all i wish is a home where i belong. it just freaks me out to be alone at home. i cant stand silence. i need company.

but deep down inside me, the last thing i want is to have a rs. the last thing i want is to get married. cos i dun get married for the sake of filling up this emptiness inside me. it just spoil the whole meaning of the word marriage. marriage is for life… and i wanna be with someone whom i cant live w/o. someone who can be a fren/bestfriend/boyfriend/husband/enemy all at the same time. someone who can share my passion and interest…..be as childish as i wanna be…. willing to share mine and his life…esp our social circle of frens together…last but not least to go thru thick and thin together
haiz… i know of someone who is willing to go thru all dat with me but why does my heart remain so adamant abt it. i know he will love and cherish me, be patient with me…..more than i will for him but why wont i even budge?

i dunno maybe i am super confused and lost cos i have to deal with too many work shit/ big blows for now. and i am tired of thinking. my mind is so preoccupied dat i cannot be bothered with other affairs of my life. i cannot be thinking abt others but rather abt my work right now. too many things happening all at the same time. and i have limited capacity in my mind to consider the other aspects of my life.

everytime before i sleep i wish for a better day tomorrow. i live one day at a time. and now i feel tired of living a day at a time. i really wish that i can clear all my work shit and move on with life…and just lead a normal and simple life just like what everyone is going thru…. isnt that great? insyaAllah.

1252pm…..am still lazing in bed. no work done yet. as usual me in my plain lazy mode

was awaken by a call from Promiseland (my new coy)…. asking me for my outstanding document which is there on my table….. just waiting to be submitted…waiting for me to move my butt and drive myself to keypoint …. but i am so plain lazy to drive to town side esp when my gps is spoilt.

itinerary for today shall be…

1) paya ubi…..to repair my lilliput

2) back to the west side to collect my paperwork doc at salha’s place

3) back home to clear my o/s paperwork… no submission= no income….

and i believe it would be evening by then….. and i shd be out with my frens as usual!!!….. fun filled with laughter!

wat else….. must go JB by hook or by crook… my interior is in such a mess with leaf, mud, soil, cigg ashes…and many2 more hahaha

looking forward for 28th…wonder how much cases has gone thru for my care cases….

end of nov- looking forward for my carwash job..

9th dec- looking forward for my KL friends to come down singapore!!!

tentatively dat shd be all dat i can recall…..

k emo check…

i can really sense dat my heart is totally closed this time. suddenly i feel suffocated… frens who openly declared their “love” for me and i dun feel my heart being moved at all……in fact they pissed me off even more…… god… why cant they just be my friends… why must they spoil the beauty of a relationship called friendship…. how do i make them understand not to waste their time on me… dun bother to wait or hope or watsoever…

how do i make them understand dat i gone thru enuff…. how do i make them understand the true meaning of the word “serik”…. i feel i need the privacy…the space to just be a friend…. not as a potential gf or watsoever……

i have no problem being committed to a relationship but the bottomline is…I DUN WANT!! i had enuff….. when one party just give up on another… its damn fucking painful… and i went thru not once…. but way too many time…. its no longer once bitten twice shy for me anymore….. if ppl think i am lacking the love of a man. i shall prove everyone wrong. ppl may say i have not moved on… let them say watever they wanna say.,…. cos at the end of the day….. kita susah….dorang tolong ke???..in d first place dorang tahu ke…..

singlehood has been gd… i have my work..my friends…my family and not forgetting my ride….. so wat do i have to complain…… i can be a workaholic w/o having to spare a thot for anyone else… its just me and myself…

i dunno why i felt the sudden burst of frustration in me…. i guess “RIMAS” is more to it….. i just wanna be who i wanna be…. do watever i wanna do…w/o forcing myself to accept things dat i couldnt accept…..is dat too hard to absorb?? hehehe

k gtg now…as usual duty calls…or maybe its my bed calling me….

HI there…. its sunday today 116pm and i just woke up.

for the past few days.. i been sleeping very soundly indeed. i could feel how physically and mentally strained i am…after whatever dat has happened for this past 1 week.

god …i totally forgot how to blog…

k shoot it…!!

f0r the past few mths i got involved with a married man….yesh i am fully aware of how morally unethical my action is. i did try to rationalise things etc, talked it out with him …and the picture that he drew about his marriage…..his words…..gosh he can really tell stories w/o a blink of an eye. somehow or rather appease me……hmmmm “just make watever i do seems so reasonable and right”…..(no matter how wrong it is)…and so i succumbed to temptation.

despite being emotionally involved with him, my stand is i am still single and i have the right to have more friends. i told him i nv intend to break anyone’s family….nv wanted to… but he said… if the marriage was to end.. he dun want it to be becos of me…..haiz those words seems to make me puke now..

i nv openly declared my rs with him though i am aware it was kinda of an open secret. i still make friends with guys…chit chat on the phone and exchange sms frequently with my guy friends no matter how much i know it “hurts” him…. …cos at the end of the day, i dun wanna commit 100% percent to a rs which i dun even know the direction it is heading…….i dun wanna commit 100% to a someone who just wait for things to happen… no matter wat i will be at the losing end.. no matter how much he claimed he love me….

no matter how much i thought we r loving each other…i have to be fair for my own sake. i am only 25years old and if i were to throw my life for him, if he turn his back against me…. i will definitely fall hard this time…and fall flat right thru my face…and it will be me myself who has to pick up the pieces…….i dun wanna put myself at a 100% disadvantage. i aint that stupid and vulnerable… if ppl can be cunning…i can be cunning too……

nevetherless its almost over…once i clear the air… i just wanna move on with life. like i said before… i learnt…. i believe his short-lived existence for me was just there as a consolation after wat i gone thru this 2008…..but it doesnt means/conclude dat i am right with my very action. i deeply admit dat it was wrong…..why i did such a despicable act…. simply cos i heard stories dat make it seems so right to get myself involved with him… but argh..its over.

i learnt dat living a day at a time is not a good thing at all… lettting nature taking its own course is good but….. we cant afford to be oblivious to watever dat is happening in our/his/her/my life…..we cant expect miracle to happen nor can we choose to be complacent in life….dats is just not me…and we have to decide and control for our sake and future …at least to have some direction in life

frankly i am in state of shocked. but i readily accepted whatever that is happening right now simply becos… i prayed everyday (solat hajat)…i prayed asking Allah dat… if he is the best for me…then show me the sign…but if he is not the best for me…let it ends once and for all… no matter how hurting its gonna be for me……. give me strength and guidance to brace this thru….and to absorb the painful truth…. well indeed…the truth really hurt and its UGLY.

in short….i nv deny the fact that his existence in my life has been one of the happiest moment of my life… if only it wasnt filled with lies and crocodile tears and actions…. it would be perfect… but i was blinded with love and forgot that “nobody is perfect”. frankly i really did enjoy myself with…and knowing him and spending my time with him was just like a story in fairy tale…but i have to wake up and stop myself from getting drown even further. i cannot be too complacent with life. i have to face the reality…and the ugly fact.

as a whole i dun deny d genuine feeling dat developed inside me….but day by day its fading away….i cant stand lies and hypocrisy……my love cannot withstand betrayal of trust…. the moment i found out how “truthful” his words r… i felt deeply betrayed and cheated…..all the tears dat he really shed….was just crocodile tears…all those words..was just merely an act. i was there in his life….dunno merely for wat sake…..

as i recall all dat…..dats d very moment the defensive wall start to build up again…… i want no more of all these.

i informed all my ex bros over wat had happened….cos i am very very close with them and also to stop them from teasing me with him…… and i feel much better…cos they are very supportive of me. they gave me strength and tried to cheer me up….hehehe d sweetest part is….. if they weere to choose between me or him…of cos they will choose me!!!! ….hehehee….. haiz..lervs all my ex bros alot…they been there when i failed in my previous rs…and today they r still there giving me their moral support…

i told my mum …i came clean with my mum… i admit where i gone wrong. i did not point every finger to others….. i felt much better. i glad she understand and as a mum…of cos she do not encourage me to continue whatever i am doing. so hell yeaaah….. its settled….. lerving my mum too!!

i hope i wont be talking abt it anymore after this. i wanna start a brand new week with my new life. i got a new job as a financial advisor in a very promising company…. either monday or tuesday i will be going for a formality interview and to fill up the application form…

i got myself a part time job which doesnt require me to come in everyday…just to entertain phonecalls thru my hp…something to do with car wash services at a few condominium…. (hoping dat i get to meet a few prospect from this line)..i just have to entertain payment and registration and complaint..to me dat is as good as earning a passive income…

i hope to clear watever shit i am facing in this 2008…n leave d yr behind…and look forward for 2009…. i hope to further my studies…….take up some degree course but i cant think of the course to take… i wanna set up my own business……hope to get it all done in 2009…as for now..its abt enjoying life…money making…clearing my work/life shit and modifying my ride!!!

i just wanna focus on my work and my friends…… and not forgetting my family!…luckily i have my hubby with me still..muacks……. he has always been there for me thru thick and thin… he witnessed how i crumbled down when the going gets too tough for me…and the moment i close my doors on him…. i put on a cheerful, jovial self…. everyone thought i am strong (i just dunno how to cry infront of ppl) but … no one knows how it was for me inside…… but i know i am strong.. i lerv you HUBBY!!!!!!!

i just wanna balik ke pangkal jalan…….dats all…..

k laah gtg now….got a life to lead!!!